Escaping Toxicity to a Safe Haven: a Lesson on Love & Self Worth

I've always been a bit of a Hopeless romantic with an overly generous heart of gold. the wine & dine, words of affirmation, the warmth of a physical embrace telling that everything will be ok. I crave for that in a ideal relationship. However I've had two significant relationships where i thought I had that but they ended up just being life lessons, one being emotionally scarring.

You know that quote about how we fall in love with three people in our lifetime? I Low Key believe in that, At least it's defiantly been a reality for me:

1| The Young and Idealistic Love

This is the love that usually starts young. probably high school for some. this person is probably everything you want in a partner and you think you will last forever with them. I know because I thought the same with my first Serious boyfriend back in...... 2014? At least the relationship with him was serious to me. No offence to my Exes from high school. He was also the Ex I First had sex with when i was 18.

We met off a dating site, hit it off pretty well & finally met up. he was a pretty soft spoken guy but was pleasant to be around. he had long pretty hair which really attracted me.

Our first date was dinner at Applebee's and that was pretty much it. Then our second date some weeks later was originally supposed to be just chill and watch movies. Me being naive with no sexual experience didn't realize it was just gonna be a Netflix n Chill situation. Hell, he didn't even turn on Netflix when we got to his place. About 5 minutes in he just initiated it and I just went with it. I told him it was my fist time, I dont remember him really saying anything about it so i just assumed he knew what he was doing. OR SO I THOUGHT RIGHT.

Yeah. The sex was Trash. like... looking back i'm very certain i was being jabbed in my inner thigh more than anything. no where near my actual vagina. Sometimes i'm not even sure if i want to count him as a body, thats how bad it was😅. He even asked if I came, I only said yeah because i truly didn't know what a orgasm felt like back then. But me being me, Sex wasn't a huge deal for me in a relationship at the time.

So we continued to date for almost 2 years. I believe we had sex 3 other times after the first time. but in between those 2 years things were becoming a bit off with communications. I would text and not get a response for days, even weeks, and he would claim that he was SO BUSY with work. (allegedly he was a EMT but looking back i dont believe it) One time we went out to the movies and he was sneak texting to someone else. but i didn't wanna make assumptions and tried not think much of it.

Then I moved to Columbus for Art School... probably the best and worst turning point of my life. We were over a year in the relationship, thing were... ok , he even made the hour drive to visit me but wanna know the crazy part of that? he was supposed to stay the weekend with me so we could spend time together, brought a bag and everything but after we had underwhelming sex for the third and last night all of a sudden he had to go back home because there was an emergency with his dad. He was only there with me for about an hour.

After that the communication between us became worse. i'd text, no response for damn near a month. Until i started having some minor vaginal issues such as intense itching and burning when using the bathroom. I Go to a clinic get checked. Learn that it was a case of BV, took an antibiotic and was good the next day.

I tell the news to him thinking i can confide to my partner on my sexual health and this nigga instantly accuses me of cheating! obviously i'm hurt and appalled he even thought I was that type of person. After that we didn't talk for almost 2 months until i hit my breaking point and decided to send a long text saying how i felt and didn't like how i was being ignored. All he had to say to me was that he's too busy for a relationship and basically ghosted me.

Looking back, I've realized our relationship wasn't really genuine and I was probably a side chick the whole time. I say this because not long after us splitting he was already engaged to another woman. Another reason i know because when i was with him he never posted any photos of me or us. ever. but photos of them were being posted soon after.

This was definitely my first feeling of 'Heartbreak' the agonizing pain i felt in my chest of being unwanted and disposed. But to be honestly, the pain i felt after that relationship was nothing compared to the one after.....

2| The Love that Hurts

This is one that molds you as person and made us grow. Least, it did for me. This stage of my life was the hardest because of the pain and hurt I went though during and after. But i'm going to put half the blame on myself because there were many situations where i was enabling the toxic behaviors.

It all started months after my last Ex, I met this guy online as well, on the same dating site....because I don't fucking learn. Anyway. we get to know each other via text then met up November 9th at the library and walked around the city strip. I wont lie things went pretty quick, he asked to be his girlfriend that same day. I admittedly said yes. Next day I invite him to my place and we had sex. that was way better than what i had before so i was very interested in trying to keep him around. Then i found out he was an Aries, me being a slight zodiac nerd really liked that because apparently he was a match to my Leo sign.

First year in went well. we were still in the honeymoon phase for the most part, he was supportive of my college career, even when i dropped out for a semester he still supported me. Around this time My lease was ending at the apartment i was sharing with another girl and we both had to move. I didn't really have many options on where to go. it was either go back to dorms or move back to Cincinnati. Neither of us wanted me to leave so we made the brash decision to get an apartment together.

I normally would not have moved in with a guy so soon but i had limited time and i honestly needed the financial help. it was a big move for both of us and a first. living together as a couple.

Things went great early in, I was still out of school at this point and decided to just work. I eventually worked two jobs at one point for extra funds. This was where things started to get a bit rocky and a test of our relationship. I'll admit the sex we had was great almost every time. as much as i hate to admit it I learned a lot with him when it came to sex and tried many new things that i thought i would have never done.

But that was until sex became our downfall, him having a high sex drive and wanting it almost every day became exhausting to me. especially if i had to work early in the morning. then he would get an attitude and jack off to porn instead. Or it will get so bad he would force himself onto me. This happened more than i'd like to admit.....

Another turning point was when the job i was working at was going out of business which put me out me out of work for a bit and ultimately led us having to move in with his father, which was a whole new level of HELL. I was back in school at this point giving it another go which led me to dropping out for good because I was so deep into a depression I had no motivation to do anything. Not only that he has also pawned my DSLR camera behind my back FOR WEED with little to no remorse. never got that back btw.

Oh and his dad kicked us out in the dead of December where we had to eventually live with a friend of his in their basement.

You'd think i'd be smart enough to leave by this point. but no. I didn't learn and kept going. I allowed so much to happen. from taking my money, selling my stuff, not keeping a job for more than a month, and so much more.

There where moments where he would get frustrated from the lack of sex and say we should have an open relationship. I was so emotionally drained from it all I stopped caring and said it was whatever. Then we'd have this pattern of where things would be going good for awhile then it will go back to the arguments. Wash, Rise, Repeat.

Until that 4th year came around. it was 2018. we had our own place at this point. a nice one actually. along with a decent job and decent car. you'd think things was looking up for me. but it really wasn't. Our relationship was basically at wits end. He started talking to other women online, i didn't really care. Then he wanted me to put in effort in 'being more affectionate' mainly because i didn't have sex with him enough. i said i would try but in reality i was tired of it all. the same patterns. the same arguments. I FINALLY wanted it all to end. so decided to finally say i wanted to break up.

I called my mom and made arrangements for her to get me after my lease with the apartment was up because i didn't want to leave with my name still attached to anything.

Around that same time I had reconnected with an old friend back home I've known for a little over 10 years he was fully aware of what i was dealing with and allowed me to vent to him without judgement. Funny enough his birthday was coming up which was the same day as my anniversary with my ex. But i used that as an opportunity to leave town and see him instead.

When i got back my ex had went through my phone and read our messages and seeing that we hooked up. he got mad, called me sort of names. the usual. But when the time came I was finally free from his poison. I became happier, built healthier relationships, and finally felt safe.

I tried to touch on a lot of key events with this one because there's a LOT more i could have included but we'd be here all day. This was definitely a hard one to write out for me but it was also reliving for me to get this off my chest.

3| The Unexpected Love

At this point you no longer expect the perfect relationship and might even have your feelings heavily guarded. because lord knows i do at this point. It's the mysterious unexpectedness that makes this stage interesting. because you honestly dont know who they could be or how the Love will unfold. it's scary but exciting at the same time.

For me, the last relationship deterred me from wanting to date again But i had to remember that thing can get better. Don't rush it, dont try to force it. & let things run its course