2020: Self Reflecting

August. The 8th month of the year and with so much potential left anything can happen.

I feel I've hit some milestones and achieved a few things at least. course most the plana foiled due to Covid but i've been managing and doing the best I can. I mean. it's all i CAN do right?

For 2020 so far I am grateful for being able to double my car payments, Maintain a good job that pays well and isnt too shitty, see the age of 26, doing fun outings with family and friends, and being in a healthy relationship I actually enjoy.

But recently, i keep feeling like something is missing. or even something is wrong. Mainly with me. suddenly I've been overthinking within myself, recalling past scenarios and wondering if i did or said the right thing: 'Are they upset with me?' 'did i do something wrong?' "They're bored of me." 'I'm not interesting any more'

and those assumptions may be false even if i was reassured but in the back of my mind i feel that they are just telling me that. all because. self doubt.

This is normal human behavior for the most part but sometime it gets to the point where i question if its even normal to constantly internally fight with yourself. I've never been professionally diagnosed for anything and i'm not one to self diagnose myself.

This is difficult for me to really explain and i dont want to seem crazy. This post isn't going to make much sense and i apologize. for i'm just writing whatever comes to my mind.

I've always been a person that thrived in solitude, maybe a little too much. dont get me wrong i love going out too. Just sometimes I dont want to be bothered period and the littlest thing can piss me off, but i have to catch myself because others dont know why i feel the way i feel and then i'm the bad guy.

which i feel plays a factor in why i'm so frustrated with my living situation. some days i like to come home, especially from work to silence and privacy but unfortunately that is damn near impossible. it's no ones fault for it. thats just what we all have to deal with for now. I just hope when the time comes when I"M ready that no sudden bullshit will pop up delaying the main goal i desperately need.

dont even get me started with groceries.

So back to what i was talking about earlier, about stuff feeling missing and off with myself. what i think my main issue is that i'm way to far into my own head half the time I end up hurting my own feelings and i tend to bottle things up too.. i know, i know. but can you blame me? when i was like 13 or 14 i used to have a diary and i used to write some pretty personal thoughts and secrets. know what happened? my own mother went through it for literally no reason. That started my trust issues and the bad habit of not wanting to express myself to others. (which may lead me to probably delete this post because i feel I've said too much that shouldn't have been said) I was also forced to practice a religion i had zero interest in too when i was a teen. but thats another story.

My childhood was relatively good i'll say that. Had some bumpy roads as an adolescence dealing with depression. but some of those events definitely hold power to who i am today. I've gotten a lil better at the things i used to be bad at for doing so theres some progress..such as I try to speak up about things thats bothering me instead of staying silent

I feel this post started out as something good but it just ended up with me rambling about overthinking with myself at 12:14AM. this isn't a cry for help or anything. I dont know what to call it. Taking a moment to self reflect of my own mind? I'll go with that.

Today just wasn't a really good mental day. and that's ok.