July 6th 2022| midway into the year

Since April things have been honestly great still. Still adjusting with conflicting work schedules and new sleeping patterns. I hate it but I’m managing.

We had our 1st gathering with friends and family in our new apartment and it was so nice to see everyone that visited us.

While i like hosting parties , think I’ve reached that point in life where I’m kinda getting burnt out from it. Lil something here and there is fine but planning something for everything gets tiring.

Same with birthdays, I’m perfectly ok doing nothing for my birthday now. Or even a dinner outing then going home.

Another thing is that recently i feel I’ve catching myself spiralling internally. Basically getting too inside my head again when I’m alone.

I hate it because im so hyper aware of not just myself but my surroundings too, i notice smaller details before I would the big ones .

It’s gotten to the point I've started to feel bad for speaking about certain things that either bothered me or was concerned about. And I’ll think the person will be upset with me are start feeling a different way about me.

Especially with my boyfriend, I sometimes fear I’ll say or that i have said something wrong or reacted the wrong way and that he’d want to leave me. Or someone else ends up understanding him better than i do. Or even that i’ve made the relationship boring.

Sometimes i just constantly fear I’ll fuck up one of the few good things i have and become overly cautious about everything.