Am I the bad guy? - think piece on boundaries & respect

few weeks ago I came across a post that i believe was from Reddit, and it created some interesting discussions that led me to expand more of my own. the topic is about an anonymous woman asking for opinions on a situation she is dealing with her boyfriend. i find it interesting because its bit of an interesting situation when it comes to personal boundaries and it dealing with a person that you actually know.

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I'll paste the original entry down below:

" Am I wrong for feeling some kind of way towards my bf's childhood friend? "

Hey I am Anon (28F) i have been dating my boyfriend "Jay" (29M) for about 5 years now. things were going great the 1st 4 ish years with ur typical occasional relationship hiccups but nothing ever major. i'm writing here today under a throwaway account to get 2nd thoughts on this issue iv'e been dealing with the past few weeks. Jay, my bf has a childhood friend named "May"(30F) that he has known since middle school i believe. Jay and May USED to occasionally "hook up" back then long before we dated but they have never exclusively dated for whatever reason or another.

so i've became familiar with May about a year in with my relationship with jay and i never really had an issue with her then. the 3 of us would hang out probably 2 to 3 times a month and its usually chill. we've even took road trips together with other friends

Until recently, i couldn't help but get this feeling something was goin on between them. there's been times where he would send her money to go pamper herself when she was having a bad day. which honestly did not bother me, but it was when he ordered her that Rose toy because she kept saying how she really wanted to try it out and how excited she was to use it. and it bothered me because he's never got me a toy before.....

So one day i was on his computer writing a paper and i remembered his Facebook was still logged in. he was at work still so I took the opportunity to look through messenger at their conversation. Most of it was an exchange of memes and small talk until i came across a message of her saying :

" Damn, i need find more of these!" and it was an attached photo of an old thirst trap photo he had posted years ago before we even dated.

Jays response was "oh that? did you save them?? lol

"mmmmm maybeee ;)" she says

"Well use them as you please 😏😜" Jay says

"Hehe maybe send some more! lol Kidding!!" she replies....

That exchange right there is what made my stomach churn...not only is She saving old photos of him almost nude and 'Jokingly' asks for more photos like that but it's the fact that He ENTERTAINED it all by saying "Use them as you please" with the suggestive emojis. AND HE NEVER TOLD ME ABOUT IT ALL. and it hurts because he's usually open about situations like this and wont hesitate to tell me. and now i feel she doesn't respect our relationship at all if she's doing sneaky shit like this. I know invading his privacy was bad on my part but i feel he would have never brought this up to me.

So a few days after that the 3 of us actually met up at a bar we frequent and i was still bitter about the texts so i'll admit i had a sour mood that night and i eventually blew up. I had gotten fed up when Jay said: "Anon, look how good May's outfit is!! doesn't she look amazing tonight!" I dont know why but i instantly started cussing him out, threw a glass on the floor and ran to the car. moment later he comes to asking what's wrong, I'm having a whole breakdown basically telling him i read how he talk to her and i knew about her asking for inappropriate photos of him.

Jay gets a confused look on his face like he doesn't know what I'm talking about, i try to calm down and repeat myself more clearly. he shakes his head and just tells me that she was just joking and never actually sent her a photo. which made me more upset because now i feel as if he's just brushing this off because "it was just a joke". but i feel it was crossing of boundaries on both of their parts and that they're not taking me serious.

Since then i feel the energy of our relationship has shifted. he's been acting a little different, we had one on one talks about it deeper but lately all he says is "i just gotta sort things out" whatever that means. I honestly dont care how May feels because i've cut all ties towards her.

So i ask, am i wrong for reacting how i did? am i over thinking the situation and their relationship? i dont want things to end like this but i'm starting to feel that it will. "

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So as you have just read, Anon here is dealing with an issue with her boyfriend. I feel this is a bit of a unique situation because it's not your typical catching a significant other in bed with someone else situation. this is a situation where a mutual friend is saying or doing something some may find inappropriate but the S.O isn't really doing anything about it because it's someone they are comfortable with so they may not see it as a big deal. So i want to talk about a few things that happened in this story.

First off, I'm on Anon's side. she was not wrong for feeling how she felt , to be quite frank, May is a whole bitch for even saying that weather it was a joke or not and i hope Anon beats her ass for it because i would. to me, that shows you dont care how your supposed friend's S.O would feel if they heard you say that. it also gives sneaky home wrecker behavior . Jay is no better in this situation either for even allowing that conversation to go the way it did. a real man that respects his S.O would have not entertained that at all. doesn't matter how long you have known that person. it all comes down to respect. he shouldn't have to feel different because his gf expressed something that made her uncomfortable, if he's smart he would took account of her feelings and hold himself accountable for his behavior and then have a nice talk to May and explain to her that what they did was very inappropriate.

and if May is as decent as a person as she claims to be she would agree and apologize to anon. Because if i was in a situation like this, i'd feel the same way, and to be quite honest i probably wont feel better until i beat both of their asses, ESPECIALLY the bitch that KNOWS i'm dating the person since she wants to think shit a game. No, i dare someone to try to test my gangsta like that. because i would wreck havoc and psychological warfare. do. not. play. with. people's. emotions! and that goes for EVERYONE

Because i KNOW how it feels to not only be cheated on but to be PLAYED like a damn fool, to be ghosted with no explanation, to be felt less than what you are, i know how it feels to suddenly not feel wanted anymore because a S.O decides to entertain another woman. it's not fair and it's just not right. especially when boundaries have already been set.

another bit i wanna expand on is the part where he bought her a sex toy 1st but not his own gf one. that raises a slight red flag. while there's nothing wrong with buying stuff for friends it's just something like that should be discussed with your partner. just out of respect!

and the part where he told the girl to use the photos as she please would upset me too because honestly wtf does he mean by that??? is he encouraging her to masterbate to the thought of his lewd photos??? make it make sense. this also tells me he is perfectly ok the situation.

Also i feel more people need to have those uncomfortable conversations that you may not want to have but you should because it'll help in the long run, those conversations where you express things that bother you or telling your partner about something they did wrong. not just in romantic relationships, all of them. and this story is a great example of why they're important.

While going through someone's private message may be a big No No and i personally dont condone doing such things but if intuition is telling you then you probably should. but that's on a case by case situation. because some people will try to leave things in the dark. because i had my fair share of bullshit , but least i can say i have found myself in probably the best relationship, SO FAR, we've had our own hiccups along the way but we've worked through them flawlessly and like i said before we had to have some uncomfortable conversations of our own but they've brought us closer each time. and honestly thats all it takes to keep things healthy i feel. be honest open and genuine with each other and everything else will fall into place.

while i love my boyfriend dearly and what we have, i want to stress we are no where near perfect, some may think we are this amazing perfect couple which is cool, but it does feel just a little weird to be put on such a high pedestal. mainly when people say things like :

wow you’re so lucky

or

wish i had the kind of love you guys have.

which, is nice i guess but people have to realize our relationship didn’t just happen overnight magically, it took some years of getting to each other, experiencing our own relationships, and then reconnecting and finally agreeing to start our own relationship.

Everyone deserves a healthy relationship, weather you’re polyamorous or monogamous or whatever. It just boils down to if YOU'RE willing to make the relationship healthy.

Overall i feel this scenario was basically about respecting boundaries from all sides. I do hope Anon and jay worked things out and May realize the error in her ways. because no one deserves to go through that .